Breaking News – Vail Resorts Sold
April 1, 2021
In an announcement that has truly shaken the global ski industry, Vail Resorts has announced that it has been purchased by Donald J. Trump. In his first announcement since becoming Chairman of the Board, Chief Executive Officer and the Best President of Vail Resorts the company has ever seen, Mr. Trump stated “This deal is Huge; the most beautiful deal the ski world has ever seen and that there will never be a deal in any industry this beautiful and huge again.” When queried regarding his plans for the mega resort company, Trump claimed that “Nobody had ever gotten that! We got 75M votes…but you know, you saw what happened, 10:30 in the evening, all of a sudden I said, “That’s a strange thing, why are they closing up places, right?”
It was announced that snowboarding would no longer be allowed at any of the Vail ski resorts. Trump declared that snowboarders were not sending their best people to the resorts but instead “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime.” In order to implement this plan, it was announced that each resort would be fortified with water-filled trenches, stocked with snakes or alligators and electrified walls with spikes on top.
Trump also announced that there would be beautiful synergies in connection with the transaction since he would be able to combine the efforts of several of his businesses. Trump University will be taking over all ski schools at Vail Resorts and, using technology from Trump Steaks, they will be teaching their patented French fry and pizza techniques.
Eric Trump, the new Junior Vice President for non-US operations, announced that in keeping with the America First policies of the Trump Organization, all non-US resorts would be closed and become non-operational. When it was pointed out to him that this effectively put him out of a job, he assured reporters his father wouldn’t do that and stated “My father is my best friend. He’s my idol and my boss. We work side by side and spend every weekend together.”
Finally, Mr. Trump deflected questions regarding the impact global warming may have on his new investment. Even once the connection between results of operations for Vail Resorts and snowfall was explained to him, he claimed he had no concerns on the matter stating that climate change was “created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive.”